Miraculous Moment #1 - Chapter #2 of - When "IT" First Called My Name

Obviously - I Would "NOT" - Have "Normally" -

Left the "Prompt" - "Medical-Assistance Security" - of a Hospital Bed

Where I Have a - Emergency Call-system - Within Easy-Reach - &

While Enduring - a High Frequency of "Seizure Auras"

(Which are the - Pre-seizure Warnings - That a Epileptic Feels - Prior to them -

Losing Full-Consciousness)

& Especially if The Auras are - Becoming Both - Stronger - & More Frequent -

Like the ones that I’ve been Experiencing - in these last 4 hours - Have Been Doing!

As I Knew From "Multiple Past Scenarios; like this one" - Here on a Neurology-Ward -

That - The Farther I Distanced Myself - From the "Currently Assigned" Nursing Station -

Then the "Less Apt" - Any Caregiver - That Responded -

To my Quickly Needing Medical Help... Following my Loss of Full-Consciousness -

Would In Fact - "Knowingly Understand" - What I was Actually in Here For!

However - at that - "Particular Moment" -

I Had - Unfortunately Decided -

That the - “Trivial Fact”

Concerning EITHER -

“Seizure-Safety” or "Medical-Assistance"

Was the "LEAST" of my Concerns!

As - My Only Thought - Right Then - Was The -

"Emotional Based - FACT" -

That I - "Desperately Needed" - to Hear a "Comforting Voice" -

From Somebody - Who Really (Sincerely) Knew Me -

& Who - Could Thereby - "Truly Understand" -

"All" of - My Current "Fears"

So That - I Could - Somehow -

"Hear Them"

"Reassuringly" Tell Me - That -

"I Will - NEVER BE ALONE"

During Whatever The Future Holds - "?????"

& Especially - If I'm Going to be Traveling-Down - "Any" - of the -

"Experimental-Roads" - That Have Not Yet - Been "Fully" Mapped-out"

As I Began Increasing - My Already "Rapid-Pace" - While Rushing Towards -

The Distant - "Opposite End" - of the Ward's Long Corridor,

(From where my current hospital room was located)

It Suddenly - Felt Like as if - the small cove -

Where the "Payphone" is Situated

Is the - "Farthest Distance" - That it Has - "Ever Been Before"

During "Any" of my Other Hospital Stays Here; on this Very Same Unit!!!

Likely Because - Although I Knew -

That Obviously -

My Parents - Wouldn’t Actually be Able - to do Anything "At All" -

About the "Optional-scenario" that I'm Currently Facing;

Nor Would They Be Able to - Make "The Final-Decision" - That

“I’m”

Presently - HAVING to MAKE -

"All BY MYSELF"!

Concerning My Willingness to Undergo - "Experimental Brain Surgery"

I Still - Simply Needed to Hear - "Their Comforting Voice" - A.S.A.P.

Since I’m "Obviously" (& as I Keep "Re-emphasizing") Presently Feeling -

“So Alone”

Even Though - I’m Situated in a "Really Busy" Hospital Unit;

That is "Obviously"

Filled to Its - "Full-wing" - "Capacity" - Right Now!

I'd Thought,

(Or Perhaps I Should say - That I'd Truly - “Believed”)

That I’d "Emotionally" - Let Go of - a "Sufficient Amount" of -

My "Built up Fears" -

& Also the - "Tightly Suppressed Emotions" That Had Accompanied Them,

While I'd Sat There - Crying - ALL ALONE - on the edge of my Hospital bed

To The Point Where -

I Was Eventually - Able to Convince Myself - That I'm "Now Capable" of Having -

a "Completely"

“Emotionally-Stabilized Conversation”

With My Parents;

About What I've Recently Been - “Optionally” told - by the Dr.

But Evidently - I Was WRONG…

Oh - "SO WRONG!"

Because - the Very Moment - That I Heard my Mother’s voice...

Saying Just - The Simply Word -

"Hello"

On the other end of that Pay-phone Receiver

!!!!!!!!!

My Chest Muscles - Had Suddenly - Tightened up -

(& Even More-so - than the Last Time - Back in My Room)

Causing me to Quickly - Have to Resume "Gasping" for Whatever "Short Breaths" -

I Could "Once Again" Manage to Somehow Find!

As My Lungs - "Once Again" - Became Frozen-Tight on me!!!

I Eventually - Managed to -

& Although Still - Unable to Release - any "Understandable" Lengthy Verbal-Sounds...

“Merely Utter" - the Singular-word -

“Mom”

Into The Phone

& I Suddenly Felt - Such an "Emotionally-Relief" - Upon Hearing -

Via - My Mother’s Voice -

"Mary - Is That You?"

“What’s The Matter?"

"Hello!"

“What is Wrong?”

“Mary”… "Hello"...

“Are You OK?”

However - I Couldn't Immediately Respond to Her Multiple Questions -

As I Was Still - Currently Unable to Speak - or Hence "Respond" -

In "Understandable Clarity" - Between Each Gasp

I Eventually Managed to Just - "Quickly-utter Out" the words -

“They Want to Operate on... My Brain!

"Mom!”

!!!!!!!

“And I’m - JUST - SO AFRAID”

& - I Feel So...

“ALONE”

Right Now!!!!

& Then Suddenly -

I Will Never Recall - From That Moment Onward - Any Other Words -

That Were Spoken, by me...

During that "Attempted" Phone Conversation

But Rather - I Will Only Be Memory-holding onto - a Quick-flash - of my Mother’s voice,

Assuring me that - She would be coming "Right In" - to see me

Of Course - The Reason why,

I cannot “Fully” recall our phone conversation;

& Yet - Can Quite Clearly Recall -

The other events and conversations

That had Occurred “Prior to it”

(In the last 4 hours)

Is because

The rest of that phone conversation,

Was "Seizure-erased" from my brains "Recent Memory" bank

Due to the fact that -

(Like I had mentioned earlier,

While explaining my IQ hurdles)

The seizure causing damaged area in my brain,

Was Located Right Beside -

The “Most Recent Memory” - Data-holding - Part of it!

& Which explains why... the next moment -

That I can recall from that morning.

Is that - “Somehow”,

I’ve ended up, back here in my assigned hospital bed!

Where - I’m Once Again - Confiningly Situated Here -

Since the - Side-railings of the Bed - Have Been Re-Raised back up - on Both side of it -

& The "Thick Padding"...

That's Used to Protect a Epileptic Patient from Hurting or Injuring Themselves...

Whenever They're at "High-risk" of having a Seizure -

Has Once Again - Been Placed All Around the "Inside-Perimeter" of it...

Between the Matress and the Metal-Railing-Bars...

Although my thoughts seemed "Foggy" at that moment,

I Still - “Instantly Knew”

(From Plenty of Past Experiences)

That There's - No Way,

That I Can Remove Myself from This Bed - Until a Nurse Decides

(For Themselves)

That it is Actually "Safe" - to Lower Back Down - These Confining Side-bars

& Also Remove The Protective Padding.

While Gradually Regaining - "Full-Consciousness" -

& As I Slowly Began to Mentally Process - My Present Surroundings

The ONE THING - That I of Course - "INSTANTLY KNEW"

Was That -

Yup... I Must’ve Had Another One - of Those

*&^%$#@!* Seizures

Eventually - Once I Was Able to Speak Clearly Again - I Pulled the Call-Cord,

That Somebody had Attached - To the Side of my Pillow Case; via a clip.

So that it would be easier for me to grab onto it;

When I'd Regained Full Consciousness

I Then -

Just Sat There Waiting - for a Nurse to Respond;

As What Else Can I Actually Do?

My mouth was Quite Sore - as Certain "Old wounds" - From Yesterday -

Have Been Reopened -

And so I Began To Assess The Strength and Length of the Recent-Seizure -

By The Level of Soreness and Swelling of my Mouth

I then - Began to “Try” and Recall,

Certain Events and Conversations,

That Would’ve Taken Place Recently,

Prior to the Seizure.

(In order to Somehow be Able to Figure Out,

When the “Memory-eraser” had hit me “This Time”

& "How Much" of My Past - Has "Once Again" Been Seizure-Taken From me)

I Note that - The Last Moment - That I'm Able to Remember Clearly,

Is my Telling Mother,

That I'm -

“Really Scared” & That - I'm Feeling -

"All ALONE”

Right Now.

& I Could - "Partially-Recall" -

Through the - "Blurry Fogginess" - of Smudged - But Not Fully-erased Recollections

Hearing - Mother’s - Really Quick-responsive Voice,

Saying -

"I'm Coming Right in to See You"

However - I Can't Recall - Anything Else - That Mother Said to me.

Or, for that Matter,

What I Had Said to Her!

However,

I knew that I would eventually find out,

What we had actually talked about;

Once she arrives.

I then began to recall,

What the Dr. & I - had been Discussing -

Prior to that phone call!

& at which point -

My Vision - Became Watery-Blurred… Again…

While I Quickly Began Trying to Think of - "Anything Else" - Rather than the -

Optional-based Conversation - That I'd Had Earlier with them

After the nurse had responded

To my pulling the call-cord.

& I had Finished Discussing with them,

How I was currently feeling; in regards to Both -

The Frequency & Strength of the Seizure-auras at that Moment

“They (the nurse) Decided”

That it would be ok,

To let the side railing bars on the bed - back down -

(BUT - On "Just" the “One Side” of it Though)

So that I didn’t have to continue feeling so confined;

By them being left up like this

(On "Both" sides of the bed)

That is -

As long as I agreed - With Them - To stay here in this room,

And not go Wandering off Again;

Like I Had Earlier.

When I’d made that Pay-phone call!

And so -

With my current

(And Basically Restricted)

Location-terms agreed on;

And With The Bed Railing Lowered - on Just the One Side of the bed -

The Nurse Exited -

While I Turned & Swung my feet over the side of the mattress -

That's facing the hallway door

(Since the bed rails that have remained up,

Are the ones located on the window side of it)

OF COURSE,

IT WAS NOT SURPRISING - THAT -

After Sitting There - Staring Into the Stark Emptiness -

For Just a "Brief Moment"

& While Listening to the - “Utter-silence” - Between These Sterile Walls;

Due to the fact that nobody has returned yet

(to this - 4 bed unit - Hospital room)

From any of their scheduled in-patient appointments.

That - I'd Quickly Concluded -

That if I Don’t - Actually Want - to Continue to Feel Like as if -

I Am - in "FACT" -

“COMPLETELY ALONE”

At this Present Moment!

!!!!!!

Then - I will "Somehow" Need to Make My Current -

“Surrounding Space”

Feel -

“Way Smaller”

Than it actually is!

Hence - I Quickly Stood Up,

& Grabbed the side hem, of the curtains -

That're hanging from the metal rod; in-circling my hospital bed...

& “Once Again”

(Just like I had done earlier on,

After talking to the Dr.,

And prior to when I had phoned my parents)

Swung them around the outer perimeter of it;

So that I could “Once again” Resume,

My "Curtained-cocoon" Concept

Of - “Enclosed-Hospital-bed Privacy”.

And of course -

With these curtains “Once again” surrounding me;

& My "Visual-Privacy" Re-stored -

I “Once Again” - Began to Cry.

At a Even "Higher Emotional Level" of -

“Fear-releasement”

Than What Had Occurred Earlier on!

Before I'd Made That Phone Call!

Please Note that - I Believe-

That -

What Was likely "Feeding" - or Perhaps I Should Say "Fueling" the -

“Fear”

That I Could Literally - "Physically-Feel" - Was Rapidly -

"Re-Building Back Up" Again - For the 2nd Time Today!

& - Was Obviously - Quickly “Intensifying” Itself - To an Even -

“Higher Level”

Than it Had the last time; Prior to when I'd Spoken to My Mother

Is the "Fact" that -

"My Greatest Fear"

At That Moment in My Life...

Was Currently Being Accompanied -

And was - Thereby - Being

“Emotionally-Fueled & Allowed to Intensify in Strength”

By my -

"Personally Feeding" it -

With the "Self-additive" word -

“ALONE”

For the Seeds of -

“FEAR”

Once Planted - Into the Heart & Mind - of "Any Person"

Is -

"Always Able to - Rapidly Grow Stronger" - & Thereby Become "More Powerful" -

In - "Any Mortal-shell" -

IF -

During Any - "Fearful & Strenuous-Moments" - A Person Truly-Believes -

That - They’re Actually -

"Having to Be"

Facing & Dealing With - "Any Form" of -

"Negativity" - or "Stress" - at "Any Given Moment" -

In Their Life -

"All"

“ALONE”

(as They "Unfortunately" Believe - that - There are No Other Options)

And - Unfortunately - For Me -

I "Was" - Back Then - One of the People

That Truly Believed - That I Am (WAS)

“OBVIOUSLY ALONE”

Right now!

Since - I Can No Longer Leave this Room -

And Be Able to Have - Even Just a -

“Pay-phone-line-comforting Conversation”

Like I had done earlier.

(Due to the "Bed-rail-lowering" Deal - that I 've made with the nurse,

In order to get these Confining Metal Bars Lowered... on Just the One Side!)

Hence, it Was - Mostly That -

“ALONE FEELING”

(That Was Currently Eating Away at me - There in That "Empty" Hospital Room)

That I Wanted (Needed) to Have Fixed!

Right NOW!!!

And thereby not have to wait until my mother arrives,

So that they (Another Person) Can Help - to Fill that Frightening -

“Void” & - "ALONE" - & "Inwardly Empty"

Space for Me!

& It Was - As I Sat There Crying -

In My "Enclosed-Curtain Privacy"

While "Once Again"

Thinking & Dwelling - on How -

I'll be so Glad when Mother Arrives!

So That I Don’t Have to Continue to Feel so -

“ALONE”

& Especially - While "Having to" - Head Down - an

"Experimental Brain-surgery Road" -

“All ALONE”

That -

I Suddenly -

Heard My Name Being Called….

At Which Moment - I Had - "of Course",

"Quickly & Naturally - Assumed" -

That "IT"

(The "Clear Sound" of My Name Being Called)

Must be a Nurse - That's Checking up on me.

Since the Last Nurse That I Had Spoken to,

While They were Letting the Bed Rail Back Down

(About 15 minutes ago now)

Had in Fact Mentioned,

That they were going to be doing this.

And so - I Leaned Forward - & Pulled Back the Privacy-curtain;

However - Just a Small (4 foot in length) Section in Front of me Though;

Rather than pulling back the whole outer perimeter around the bed.

As I - Obviously - Only Needed for it to be Open “Just Enough”,

So that I Could See “Who” it Was,

That I Had “Clearly” Heard - Calling My Name.

(And thereby be able to speak to - “The Person”,

Who I’d Currently Assumed - was “Checking Up” on me)

But Then,

As I Leaned Forward - & Looked Outward -

With a Clear View of "Almost" the Entire Room

While Saying -

“Yes... What do You Want?”

I Suddenly Realized - Through the Atmospheres - Lingering Mortal-Voidness

That This Room,

Is in FACT -

“COMPLETELY EMPTY”

!?!?!?!?!

Hence I of Course Thought -

“That’s Strange”

As I Know - “For Sure”

That I "Clearly Heard" - My Name Being Called!

A Few "Moments” Later,

Once I Had - "Confusingly Accepted" the Fact -

That I Was "OBVIOUSLY" All Alone -

Although I Know - For Sure - That I'd Heard My Name Being Called

I Sat Back Down on the Bed;

& Once Again -

Began to Cry

& Since I Hadn’t Pulled the - "Privacy Curtain"

Back Over - the Recently Opened Section,

Of the Outer Perimeter of the Bed This Time …

But Have Instead - Opted to Leave it Partially-open -

Which is Enabling me to See Clearly the Entrance to This Room -

From Where I'm Seated

I Knew -

For a - "FACT" -

That I Am -

“Obviously”

“ALL ALONE”

At this present moment.

And Yet - Suddenly -

I Once Again - "CLEARLY HEARD" - My Name - Being Called!

For the - “Second Time”!

To Be Continued … in Chapter #3

End of Chapter 2 of 3 – of Miraculous Moment # 1 - of My Spiritual Journey

Titled - When “IT” First Called My Name

Signed - Mary Not Me

at - whatisthenameofmyblog.com