Miraculous Moment #1 - Chapter #1 of - When “IT” First Called My Name
- marynotme
- Jul 1, 2024
- 13 min read
The moment I saw the letter...
Situated in the photo below -
That my Father would’ve written back in 1977
I Instantly Knew - Precisely - Where - my -
"Spiritual Guide"
Is wanting me to Begin this Opening Discussion
Because the date which is written on the top corner of that note -
Was the moment in which I had...
(As a Result of this Unforgettable Spiritual Experience)
Extremely Calmingly - with this Unexplainable Feeling of - Immense-inner-peace;
Opted to have Surgically Done to me…
The "VERY THING"
That I'd "ALWAYS" told my Father; whom had written those words on that envelope
That I would -
“NEVER"... "EVER"....
Allow Any Doctor To Do To Me”
No matter how many seizures I had occurring;
At any given moment in my life!
Of course,
We will each - “Eventually” - come to learn
(Some of us... like myself... the Hard Way)
That -
One should Never say,
That they -
“Would Never Do That!!!”
Or that they would -
“Never Allow That,
To Ever Happen to them”
Or that they would Never
(Ever)
“Travel-down - That Road”
In their lifetime!
Because,
We all know,
That making ANY of those public declarations,
Is basically asking for it
(“It” being any one of them)
To suddenly become -
The
“Only Optional Direction”
That you’re going to be able to go in!!!
Or
For -
“That Choice”
To Unfortunately Become -
“The Only Road in Your Life”
That you're currently going to be "Able"
To travel forward on!
& - “Yes” -
I Myself
Had Learnt this FACT
(That one should “Never” say - “I would Never do that”)
The "Hard Way" -
Because, there I was,
(On April 21 1977)
Sitting on the edge of my hospital bed;
As I had been admitted to this neurologic ward,
Early yesterday afternoon, at around 4pm;
When I had begun having - “Another” -
Domino-bought of seizures,
Early yesterday morning
At around 9am
And the multi-seizures, that had begun early yesterday morning,
Had continually increased;
In both their frequency,
And also in their overall strength;
Until I was eventually having - a Full-blown "Convulsively-Strong" Seizure,
Every 15 minutes or so;
By around 2pm
I would of “Normally” Been Able to Avoid - Escalating Seizure-frequency
By Simply Taking -
A Quick-dissolving (when placed under the tongue) Sedative-pill,
That my neurologist had prescribed for me
(And that I carried with me at all times)
So that I could Always - “Medicinally-stop”
Any current seizure episode - From Continuing to Occur - or Escalate in their Frequency
Or perhaps - be Able to QUICKLY Weaken the Overall Strength of the seizure Itself
As the Rapid-dissolving Sedative - getting quickly into my bloodstream...
Would be forcing my brain to Hastily -
“Begin to - Slow down it’s Current Processing-speed...
So That it would Also - Weaken the Strength of the Seizure -
& While Also - Then Causing me to become - Really Drowsy -
And thereby be able to take a Proper "Neurological-nap"
So that I could then wake up afterwards,
And be feeling more rested... That I would of Otherwise been
However - for some "Unknown Reason" to any of us; Doctors included
The seizures
(This time)
Were -
Continuing to Increase!
In Both their Frequency,
As well as - ALSO,
In their - "Overall Strength"!
“Even After I Had Consumed"
Those "Larger than Normal" - Dosages of the Sedative Medication!”
Following a Emergency Phone call Discussion With My Neurologist; on that morning
Plus the seizures were gradually... on that particular date...
& as the minutes began to turn into Hours...
Lasting longer than usual;
Every time I had another one!
So much in fact,
That by around 12noon - We were all beginning to wonder if -
I would soon
“Not Be”
Regaining Full Consciousness
“At All”!!
But would instead,
Be Either - Remaining Completely Unconscious,
Or - Be Suddenly having - Yet Another one!
By the time I'd arrived - "Yesterday" - on April "20th" (not 21st) 1977
(At the hospital emergency dept.)
My seizures were currently re-occurring
Even “More Frequently” now,
Than one seizure, Per Every 15 Minutes!
& so - By Then -
I Barely Had Enough Time
(Between each seizure)
To "Even Begin" regaining my Ability to Speak;
Before I would Suddenly be going into the next one.
Which was why - The Doctor Had Immediately, upon my arrival here,
Put me on the intravenous system.
So that the nurses could quickly administer - a WAY Stronger Sedative-medication,
Directly into my bloodstream through it;
Rather than have me - continue to consume it orally.
& Fortunately - By My Being Put Into a "Highly Medicated-state"
(Thanks to the extra dosages of
Monitored sedative medication,
That was now, going directly into my bloodstream)
I was eventually able;
To fall into a "Deep-sleep"
By around 5pm last night.
As I was now, only being woken up...
Every hour or so;
By the next seizure.
Once the seizure Frequency Had Dropped - to one ever two hours;
And they had also become way milder than they were when I'd arrived Here
I was then transferred (at around 1am)
From the emergency administration section
(Where I was being monitored more closely)
To this room;
Which is located here in the neurology wing
Of the hospital.
And as soon as I’d become cognitive enough,
To be able to "Clearly Receive",
While of course Also - “Correctly Process”, & "Hold Onto"...
Any "New information";
The nurses had informed me that -
Although my Neurologist had seen me earlier on,
In the emergency dept.; Upon My Arrival yesterday
That it was basically because -
I wasn’t remaining conscious for very long between the seizures;
As well as the fact,
That the seizures were continually erasing,
To much of any recent (new) information,
That I my brain was currently receiving.
That they (my Neurologist) Hadn’t Bothered
To try to say (or explain) very much to me;
At that point in time.
However...
They’d left a message with the nursing station;
For them
(The nurse on duty when I became more cognitive)
To tell me -
That they’d be coming by to see me again,
Sometime this morning.
(Here in this room that I was admitted to, on this neurology ward)
The very moment that I’d woken up this morning
My thoughts had instantly begun to wandering off…
With Fear and Uncertainty Once Again,
Strongly Grasping a Hold,
Of my Deepest Fears & Emotions While Doing So;
Concerning What Exactly my Life’s Future,
Is Going to be Like?
Where am I Going to Be - Tomorrow?
Or - For that Matter - By the end of This Day?
Hence - I was "Really Glad" - When the hospital room silence,
Was "Suddenly Broken" -
By the sound of my Neurologist’s voice,
Saying - "Good Morning Mary"
Upon their entering the room.
& I was Obviously Relieved - to “Finally” be able to talk to them;
Now That the Frequency of seizure-erasing had decreased enough for me,
To Currently be able to have a "Proper Discussion" with them!
About what they’re going to do
“This time”,
In order to stop the seizures
From “Once Again” occurring on a "Multiple bases"!
“Unfortunately though”
I would soon be discovering,
That the discussion that we’re going to be having
“This Morning”
Is evidently “Not” going to be
“The Same”
As “Any” of the Others, in the Past.
But rather,
That morning’s -
“Conversation-scenario”,
Began unfolding….Something like this -
Dr. - “Good Morning Mary...
How are you feeling this morning...
Did You Manage to get "Any" Sleep?”
Me - “Yes I Managed to Drift-off a few times last night...
And I'm Feeling a Lot Better than I was, when I got admitted.
BUT - I am still having Auras - & They're Beginning to build up again...
In Both Their Strength & Frequency
And so I "KNOW" that I'm going to be having another one quite soon
& Which is Why - I was Wanting to Talk to You... While I Still Can...
Before the Next Seizure Happens
!!!!!!
As I'm Wondering - Whether - You're - Going to be -
Re-adjusting" my Current Medication - Again?
Or do you have "Another New Pill", for me to try out?”
Dr. - “Well Actually,
It’s Unfortunately -
Not that Simple…
This Time"
Me -
"Why Not?"
Dr. - "Because we Currently Don’t Have ANY - “New-medications”
To prescribe for you.
As You've Already Tried All of the Ones That ..
Will "Actually Work"
On Controlling Your Type of Seizures"
!!!!!!
"And Basically - The Only Way -
That ANY of the medications, That are used for Your Type of seizures
Will be able to stop them “Now”...
Is if we were to Increase Any of their "Previously tried" Dosage levels -
To an Almost - "Extremely Toxic level" - of whichever one of them we choose!"
!!!!!!
"In Other Words -
I'm Sorry - to Have to Say this -
BUT -
The Only Way - That We Will Be Able To Stop The Seizures -
Through the use of Medication... "At This Point"...
Is If You're - Continually Being - So Highly Medicated...
That You Actually Won't be Able to Function Normally...
While Your on it"
!!!!!!!
"As You'll Have to be - on Such a High Dosage - of Whatever Medication we choose... That -
You'll Continually be Feeling - "Not Just Groggy or Sleepy" -
Like You Were When We You Were Admitted to this Room Yesterday...
But - You Will Also - Likely be in Danger of Falling and Injuring Yourself -
Since the Medication Level - is Obviously Going to be Affecting Your Balance
Me - "But I don't Understand...
Are You Saying That - There's NOT - "Some Way" -
That You Can Help Me"
I Actually "Fully Understood" - The Dr's "Explanation" - However -
"Understanding the Words we Hear" - Doesn't Mean - We're ABLE to SWALLOW THEM
Dr. - "Well Actually -
The “Other Option” that you “Might” have Right Now…
Is what I would like to discuss with you this morning...
BECAUSE -
I’m Wondering - if "You'd be Interested",
In looking into having - “Brain Surgery” done?
And Basically Look Into Having the Damaged-section of your Brain Removed"
I Glaringly Said -
"Zip"
(Meaning...nothing at all)
In Response to That - Obviously - "Ludacris Suggestion"
While Quickly Deciding - that My Best Reply - Would be an "Utterly Silent" one...
(Although a Loss of Words or Any Form of Silence - is truly an Oddity for me)
& YET - Although I Didn't Verbalize My Reply -
I Was Quite Sure - That The Doctor Could Feel My "Silent-verbal" Response -
As I - Spear-and-dagger Stared towards Them...
In Sync with a - &^%$#@! - Shocked Expression -
That was Obviously Giving them -
Not Just a - "Cold Response"
But Rather - More of a -
“I CAN'T POSSIBLY BE HEARING YOU CORRECTLY"...
Sweeping Iceberg-Glaring Reply
Dr. - In Response to My "SILENT &^%$#@! REPLY" ...
Calmly - Went on to say -
"The Reason Why - I'm suggesting this "Option" to you, is -
Because this morning,
After going over all of your previous medical records;
I was speaking to the Doctors in the "Neurology-research" lab
Down at the University Hospital - about your case.
& about the fact that medication, for your type of epilepsy,
Is Obviously no longer helping you,
To get control of your seizures.
And they said -
That they would be "Really Interested" in seeing you,
And discussing with you further,
The “Possibility” of doing “Brain surgery” to help you;
And that way -
“Perhaps”,
Be looking into - “Completely Removing”
The damaged section in your brain,
That is causing the seizures in the first place
Me - As I Suddenly Found My Tongue Again - & the "FULL ABILITY" to use it -
“What are you Talking About?!!!
I WOULD "NEVER"... "EVER"
HAVE BRAIN SURGERY DONE ON ME!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Suddenly -
As I spoke those very words
(and especially in that Capitalized Part)
I thought of how I had “Bluntly” told my Father
(Less than a year ago now... After He'd Read an Article about the "Possibility" of it)
That I would “Never” (EVER) let anybody
Operate on my brain;
No Matter What!
But then... like I had mentioned earlier,
At the start of this whole conversation
“One Should Never” say - “Never”
Silence - Once Again - Fell over the room
As I began to “Re-process” - The Experimental-Option the Dr. had presented me with;
& While they now gave me a moment,
To "More Calmly Absorb & Process" this new "Optional-based" information;
Before trying to explain anything else to me.
While the Doctor - Just Remained Quietly Standing There -
Calmly Waiting for my - "Next Response" - to Their so Called -
"Optional-suggestion"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the Muscles of My Ribcage - Were Suddenly Beginning to Tighten up on me...
As This "Overpowering Strength" - of a -
Extremely Painful Burning-Sensation in my Throat - Began to Rapidly Increase...
& During Each "Milla-second" - In Which - I Suddenly Found Myself - "Trying" -
To the Best of My Abilities...
To Continue to Maintain "Full-control" of - ANY (Actually "ALL") of -
The - Tightly Bottled Up" -
"Purely - Fear-Based"
"Escalating Emotions"
That were Rapidly Becoming too Strong - to Either "Control" - or "Fight-off"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Therefore - Was Becoming Extremely Worried that -
I'd Actually Not Be Able - to Continue Maintaining -
"Full Control"
of Either - This Rapidly-Spinning Wheel of - Multiple Fear-based Emotions...
Nor -
The "Escalating Pressure" of - these "Suppressed Tears" -
That Were Rapidly Causing me to experience - a "Blurred-Vision"
While Some of the Salty-liquid from my Eye's - "Emotional-faucet" -
Was Quickly Beginning to Thinly-coat - It's Watery-base - Over the top of them
?!?!?!?
& While a - "WHOLE LOT OF" - These - “WHAT IF” -
"Thoughts & Questions"
Were Eating Away at My Overall Ability - to Be Able Focus - on
"Just One Question" at any Given Second...
“What are the Risks of it?
And what are the Chances of it Working Anyway?
Dr. - “We Obviously Don’t Know - the answers to certain questions,
At This Point in Time….
As Epileptic Brain Surgery - is STILL in the -
“Experimental” Stages at the moment.
As it Hasn't Actually Been Done on ANY "Humans" Yet"
The Dr Pauses - While watching me Process - those "Last 2 Words"
"And that is why,
You would need to undergo - Over a year of Specialized Testing,
At the University's Neurology-research lab
Before we would know if there is a EVEN a POSSIBILITY of You Having it done"
Because they have to first off,
Find out if they can in Fact operate on the section of your brain
That is causing the seizures….
And then Actually Remove any part of it.
The Dr Pauses Again... However -
As I was "Still" not responding - To Their "Salesperson-sounding" explanation...
They - Once Again - Just calmly resumed speaking -
& In a Vocal-tone that made "Their Optional-explanation" - Sound like as if -
"Experimental Brain Surgery" was Actually "Just" -
Another one of the - "Regular Options"...
Which Could Easily be - "Acceptingly Swallowed" by Their Patient -
Just as Easily in Fact... as any "New Pill" that has Recently Become Available Could be.
"And as for the "Long-term Risks", from having it done…
Well that question is, as -
“Hard to answer right now” as -
“What are the Chances, of it Actually Working?”
Since - as I Mentioned - they haven’t performed that type of brain surgery,
On Any “Human”
“Yet”."
"Which is why -
All that we do know at this point,
Is that we can "Try" and see if - “Hopefully”
You “Might” have less seizures, as a result of it;
But then you Also - Might Have More!!!!"
"Once their testing is all done on you though,
Down at their University Neurology Research-hospital;
Then They’ll be able to Have a Better Understanding of what We're Dealing with"
Silence
Once again,
Blanketed the room;
And I didn’t know - at that particular moment,
Who was going to eventually
“Break It”
However,
As I couldn’t think of anything else
To say right then…
I also knew that -
It Likely Wouldn’t Be
Me!
Dr. - “I have to go… & So I’ll Just Leave you to think about it for now…
And then I’ll come back early tomorrow,
During my morning rounds,
And you can let me know THEN
What “You’ve” decided -
YOU WANT TO DO"
"Just Remember Though -
That like I explained a moment ago…
You Don’t Actually - Have many Other Options right now;
Since the only way that the medication
Is going to work for you anymore;
Is by Putting You onto,
A Really High Dosage of it"
"The final choice though…is -
“Totally”
Up to - “You”
Silence was now, the only sound
Between those four walls….
While I Just Sat There...
(On the edge of that hospital bed)
With my head bent downward,
So that I didn’t have to look,
Directly into the eyes,
Of the person who has given -
“Me”
And what I basically felt was a -
“Me Alone”
Difficult Choice to Have to Make!
Concerning Which Direction - I "WANTED" to take
And so,
As the hospital room, was now - Only Being Filled,
With -
“Emotional Silence”,
(& With my eyes looking downward towards the floor)
I just sat there and listened,
As the Dr.
(Since I wasn’t responding to Any of their recent comments;
Nor was I asking them any further questions)
Said One More Thing to me... Before Turning to Leave
While I - In Response to Their Last Sentence - Just “Muttered” -
“By”
As I Presently - Clearly Didn’t Feel Like Including...
The word - “Good” - with that Normal Departing Word!
I was actually feeling so relieved,
That this conversation had finally ended.
Because I wanted to cry…
Oh So Much….
But NOT in Front of the Dr.
(Or in Front of - Any Person - For That Matter)
At so at almost the Exact Moment... that They'd Stepped out into the hallway,
And I was finally “All Alone”!
I quickly pulled the privacy curtain,
All the way around the outer perimeter of my hospital bed;
So that I could -
“Somewhat Indiscreetly”,
Let the Cork off of - all of The Emotionally "Bottled up" -
“Bubbling Fear”
That I've Been Struggling to Hold-down,
Deep inside me;
While my “So Called” Currant -
“Options”
Were being explained to me.
I was "Eventually" -
Once my Private Fear-releasing - "Crying-episode" had De-escalated Enough -
For me to be Able to - "Re-Bottle" - All of My Fear-based Emotions -
& Thereby in the process - Be -
Able to Convince Myself - That I Had "Once Again Regained" -
"Full-Control" of ALL of My "Fears"
& at Which Point - I Was Also -
Able to Convince Myself that -
I "Once Again" Have - a "Tight Enough Grip" -
On Everything - That I'd Just Been Fed - By My Dr.
That It's Now - Safe for me to Leave This Room - & Make a Phone Call...
So That I Could Speak to my Parents - About the So Called -
"Option"
Which I was Obviously Having - an Extremely "Difficult Time" -
Trying to - Grasp -
& Especially "Swallow"
Little-Lone Getting My Teeth Wrapped Around it!
Slowly Standing up from my hospital bed...
While pulling open the sterile white curtains;
That I’d wrapped around it,
For the benefit of my somehow having -
"Emotional-released" Privacy.
I Quickly Wiped my Face Dry;
With the sleeve of my hospital robe.
While tasting the salty liquid, coating my lips
Then - Quickly grabbing my "Change Purse",
That contained all of my “Phone Dimes”.
(Because Yes Folks,
Pay-Phone-booth calls during that present time period,
Were still “Only” a dime...
ugh - Boy Does That "Phone-Info" Ever Make Me Feel OLD...
As We Actually No Longer have Phone Booths;
In Most Places; as Everything is Cellular Now)
I Nervously,
Left the Security Feeling,
Of my Hospital Room;
With its Emergency Call-cord, for Quick "Nursing Assistance",
Located Right Here - Beside my bed!
While heading out in search, for Some Form of - "Verbal-comfort" -
& with Dire-Hope - That - Hearing My Parent's Voice - Was Going Help me...
By Having Them - Reassuring Me - That I Was "NOT" - Going to Be-
"ALL ALONE"
on -
"WHATEVER ROAD"
I Would Soon Be Heading Down
End of Chapter 1 of 3 - From Miraculous Moment #1 - of My Spiritual Journey
Titled - When “IT” First Called My Name
Signed - Mary Not Me
Comentarios